Relationships: Why do some breakups hurt so much harder than others?

Let’s Talk About Relationships, The Good the Bad and The Ugly

I stumbled online on an article that tried to answer this exact question, and I thought to myself--let me add my perspective, not as "people," but as me.

I've had some strange relationships, some heartbreaking, some less so. And maybe my point of view will help someone else who stumbles across this post.

Let me start with two very different breakups from my own life, two very significant breakups because they were children involved.

In the first relationship, I almost saw it coming. From the very beginning there were warning signs--differences that felt impossible to bridge, heavy family involvement, and responsibilities that overshadowed romance.

It wasn't just me and her; it felt like I was marrying her whole world. Still, I stayed. We even got married. But deep down, I knew it was built more on responsibility than on love.

So when that breakup happened, yes, it hurt. Separation always hurts. I didn't marry her with an expiration date--I married believing in "till death do us part." But in the end, it didn't work out.

The second breakup was a completely different story.

I thought I had found the woman of my dreams. She was everything I could imagine in a partner--business-oriented, driven, supportive.

We challenged each other.

We never argued.

We did everything together.

It felt effortless, almost too good to be true. I was so sure about her that I asked her to marry me. And then, one day, out of the blue, I received the message: "I don't want to be with you anymore."

That was it.

No buildup.

No warning.

Just a door slammed shut.

That moment broke me in a way I had never experienced before. So heartbreaking that, even now, I sometimes wonder if I could ever risk that kind of pain again.

When I look back, I realize something important: both breakups were hard, but not equally hard. And the difference, I think, is similar to how we deal with death.

Imagine having a loved one with a terminal illness. As much as it hurts, you slowly prepare yourself. You know the end is coming, and when it finally does, a part of you even says, "At least they're not suffering anymore."

Now compare that to a healthy, vibrant young person who suddenly dies in a car accident. The shock, the disbelief--it hits you a thousand times harder.

Relationships are the same way. If you see the cracks early, you brace yourself. If everything looks perfect and then collapses overnight, the devastation is different.

There's another piece to this puzzle, one I've lived personally.

At one point in my life, I tied my happiness directly to the woman I loved.

Her joy was my joy.

I spent all my time trying to make her happy because, in her happiness, I found my own.

That works beautifully--until the day she decides to leave. Because when she walks out, she doesn't just leave you; she takes your happiness with her. That's what made the heartbreak unbearable.

Over time, I've grown out of that pattern. Or maybe I should say, I've made the decision to grow.

These days, I've learned to find my happiness within myself first. I still want to give my all in a relationship, still want to make the other person happy. But if she decides to leave, while it will hurt, at least I won't be completely broken. Because I've built joy that doesn't depend on someone else.

Of course, there are countless reasons why some people take breakups harder than others. My story is just one version.

You have your own. And if you've read this far, I'd love to hear it.

Why did one breakup crush you while another barely left a mark?

Share your version in the comments below--because sometimes, the best healing comes when we realize we're not alone in our pain.

Write a comment

Things I learned along the way · Newsletter

Why Free Online Tools Usually End Up Costing You

Why Does My Android Screen Keep Turning On by Itself? Here's How I Fixed It